The importance of being idle.

The best advice I’ve ever gotten, was also the most heartbreaking.

This was advice from an ex boyfriend. He & I were trying to remain friends and met to catch up over strong margaritas. He had been out of the country for about five years since I sobbed my eyes out at a train station waving goodbye and promising to visit. I never did. It took about two months before we stopped speaking all together. The ex faded into an enigma of a place and time in my life that would never return. 

We had traveled and lived together. Yet, here he was smiling at me across the table and I knew nothing about him. I mean, I know his high school yearbook quote was from his favorite Pink Floyd song. I know he sometimes doesn’t brush he teeth on his days off. I know he thinks he is a good dancer. I know he is not. I know such intimate & personal feelings he has towards his parents. I know what makes him throw ash trays across the room. But, here I am, smiling and finding the right words to sum up how I moved on and forward. 

I was explaining how I was now dating another traveling, artistic type. I said how hard it is to know if I should be seeing other people. I wasn’t asking for his input. I was letting him know I had other adventurous, exciting men in my life. Which blew up in my face when The Ex uttered:

“If a boy loves you, the way you deserve to be loved - he will move to you, he will call you, he will be there with you, telling you he loves you. If you ever wonder - then the answer is no.”

The advice stung as I choked back tears and licked the salty rim of my drink. I knew he was sort of admitting some horrible truth he felt he needed to get off his chest. It hurt for a few moments that he could say that to me so brutally candid. I had sex with him that night. I got up and left while he was still sleeping & haven’t spoken to him since.

 I realized, I had never loved him either. I was more devastated that he didn’t love me.

It happens suddenly. Your brain clicks into some awareness that can never be undone. As a teenager you can be so smug. Everything is answered with two words: I’m young. Then quickly & all at once, you are an adult. You are not not old but you are certainly not young. You realize how far away you really are to eighteen. While, more than likely, the reaction is met with aversion it is immediately followed by relief.

EJD - 12/4/13

“Yes, I think she sucks. Sure. But I don’t care about it. I wouldn’t get off on seeing her suffer. I wouldn’t be jizzing my pants because another human being is sick to their stomach with embarrassment or sadness. Even now after all she has done to me; I would not enjoy seeing harm come to her.

It is such a tragedy that not everyone feels this way. I think that is entirely the problem with everything. John Lennon, man. More people need to listen to The Beatles. Maybe not. Charles Manson listened to The Beatles and we all know how that ended up. People hear what they want to. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I’m not perfect. I’ve hurt people. But, not without feeling extraordinary nausea.”

 - ejd 12.3.13

“When you start thinking about what your life was like 10 years ago—and not in general terms, but in highly specific detail—it’s disturbing to realize how certain elements of your being are completely dead. They die long before you do. It’s astonishing to consider all the things from your past that used to happen all the time but (a) never happen anymore, and (b) never even cross your mind. It’s almost like those things didn’t happen. Or maybe it seems like they just happened to someone else. To someone you don’t really know. To someone you just hung out with for one night, and now you can’t even remember her name.” 
- Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

“When you start thinking about what your life was like 10 years ago—and not in general terms, but in highly specific detail—it’s disturbing to realize how certain elements of your being are completely dead. They die long before you do. It’s astonishing to consider all the things from your past that used to happen all the time but (a) never happen anymore, and (b) never even cross your mind. It’s almost like those things didn’t happen. Or maybe it seems like they just happened to someone else. To someone you don’t really know. To someone you just hung out with for one night, and now you can’t even remember her name.” 

- Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”
- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.”

- Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.
- Atticus Finch”
- Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.


- Atticus Finch”

- Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Some part of me knew he would show up, that if I stood in one place  long enough he would find me, like you’re taught to do when you’re lost.  But they never taught us what to do if both of you are lost, and you  both end up in the same place, waiting.”
- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

“Some part of me knew he would show up, that if I stood in one place long enough he would find me, like you’re taught to do when you’re lost. But they never taught us what to do if both of you are lost, and you both end up in the same place, waiting.”

- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City


“I offer Emily half of my hit of acid- Love Saves the Day.  It’s my  second or third time tripping, Emily’s first, and she’s understandably  trepid.  Awake all night, at one point I find her touching her  reflection in a cruelly lit dorm bathroom, asking if she’ll ever be the  same.  I kiss her then for the first time and whisper, No.”
- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

“I offer Emily half of my hit of acid- Love Saves the Day. It’s my second or third time tripping, Emily’s first, and she’s understandably trepid. Awake all night, at one point I find her touching her reflection in a cruelly lit dorm bathroom, asking if she’ll ever be the same. I kiss her then for the first time and whisper, No.”

- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City


“By the time I make my way to the border of Mauritania, to the edge of  the Sahara, I see no end to being lost.  You can spend your entire life  simply falling in that direction.  It isn’t a station you reach but just  the general state of going down.  Once you make it back, if you make it  back, you will stand before your long-lost friends but in some  essential way they will no longer know you.”
- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City

“By the time I make my way to the border of Mauritania, to the edge of the Sahara, I see no end to being lost. You can spend your entire life simply falling in that direction. It isn’t a station you reach but just the general state of going down. Once you make it back, if you make it back, you will stand before your long-lost friends but in some essential way they will no longer know you.”

- Nick Flynn, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City


“….he said it was interesting. He used the word ‘textured’. He said  ‘smooth’ is boring but ‘textured’ was interesting, and the scar meant  that I was stronger than whatever had tried to hurt me.”
- Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

“….he said it was interesting. He used the word ‘textured’. He said ‘smooth’ is boring but ‘textured’ was interesting, and the scar meant that I was stronger than whatever had tried to hurt me.”

- Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle